A Scarlett Letter

Okay, I'm feeling very conflicted about this whole dating thing.

So I go out with Paul the Virtuous on a real date. You know the kind with dinner and everything. It's a Friday night, which apparently for Paul the Virtuous means pizza and beer night. Which sounds fine by my. Who doesn't like pizza?

We order a pitcher of beer and a large pizza, cheese only on one side and pepperoni and mushroom on the other. As we start munching away, I notice that Paul the Virtuous is only eating the cheese side of the pizza. Turns out that every Friday since he can remember - ever! - he has eaten cheese pizza. His family had one of those religious types of things going on, so cheese pizza was the food of choice on Fridays.

This of course did bring up the question of religion, and as he is still doing the whole meatless Fridays thing, I figure he is somewhat devout. Not a problem, but not really my thing.

But he's not. Devout, I mean. He hasn't been to church in years. He's just a creature of habit, says he.

47 YEARS of cheese pizza every Friday? No tossin' in a pepperoni or slice of canadian bacon in there every once in a while? No. Never.

Well, okay then.

I'm thinkin' that this might be indicative of a slightly more rigid character than I had originally assumed, but hey. We've all got our quirks. But as the meal progresses, I begin to sense a theme emerging here. So I decide to throw a little curve ball into the conversation and see what he does with it.

He mentions that there is a pool at his building and I say oh, you should have told me, I would have brought a suit. Of course, says I, we could always shock the neighbors and go for a little skinny dip!

Now, I'm obviously just joking, this is a first date after all! Paul the Virtuous however, is not amused.

His face suddenly goes perfectly still and strained and he says with great dignity "There are only 3 reasons to ever be naked. Showering. Going to the bathroom. And The Having Of The Sex."

The Having Of The Sex?

And I don't even want to know why he feels the need to be naked when he goes to the bathroom! I'm not EVEN going there!

But I am rather astounded and feel compelled to ask, what you mean you never just dance around your apartment in the buff? Are you afraid of offending your cat? Three reasons he says, holding up the appropriate number of fingers, and looking appalled at the very idea of being naked in front of the cat.

What do you wear to bed, I ask? A t-shirt and sweat pants, says he. What do YOU wear to bed, he asks. A question to which I give the old Marilyn Monroe standard - Channel #5.

I swear to you on my mothers grave, that Paul the Virtuous looked like he was going to faint.

Needless to say, the date went rapidly down hill from there.

And when we parted ways, I'm not entirely sure, but I think that I heard him muttering something about a woman named Jezebel . . .