Internet Dating Part One

Okay, don't laugh, but I signed up for Match.com.

I KNOW!

I'm not even legally divorced yet, and quite frankly I'm not even entirely sure that I really want to be dating again. It seems like an awful lot of work. But everyone seems to expect it, so I guess I just kinda wanna see what's out there. You know kinda cast out a line and see what's biting.

And man-o-man are they biting!

I put a decent photo of myself on my profile. It's nothing special, just a couple of shots that I snapped with the camera built into my Mac. Certainly not the best photos of myself, but not the worst either. I guess that if I do decide to meet anyone, I'd much rather have them say "Wow! You're much prettier than your photo!" as opposed to "Gee. You didn't mention that you were an expert with Photoshop."

Now, this is not the first time that I've done the Internet dating thing. But the whole thing seems to have gotten completely out of hand. And I know that this is going to sound totally egotistical and like I'm one of those awful former cheerleader types that we all hate so much BUT . . . There are a whole lotta guys out there who if they saw you in public, wouldn't even DREAM of approaching you, who seem to feel that it's perfectly acceptable to approach you on the Internet.

And you KNOW the men of which I speak! Don't you turn your pretty little nose up at me and pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about! You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

These are the homely, if not downright ugly, men with room temperature IQ's, no job, no money, who will need to take the bus to go on a date with you. Now, I'm not trying to be snotty or mean, it's just . . . . really. Do they HONESTLY think that you'll go out with them?

Some of the men who have responded to my profile are truly astonishing. And I swear to you on my Mother's life that I even received an email from a man recently released from prison. Or maybe he's still in prison. I'm not entirely sure.

And then if you take the time to send out a polite little No Thank You Wish You The Best Of Luck email to them they actually GET MAD AT YOU. They send back hateful email telling you how shallow and awful you are and just because they are 5'2" tall, live in another hemisphere with 57 dogs, and have a perspiration problem does not mean that you should automatically discount them.

But of course if you don't respond to them, they sic Miss Manners on you for not replying. Or they sent a multitude of emails to you saying simply Well? as if you should have jumped to attention the minute you received their email . . . or . . .Are you ever going to answer you snotty b#@$#? (Okay so I just made that one up. No one has really called me any names. Yet.)

But you know what worries me the most? It's not that I could end up going out on a date with a man who put a 30 year old picture up, or that he'll turn out to be a perv or stalker. I worry that I could somehow end up being someone ELSE'S Internet Dating Horror Story. How awful would that be? I can just imagine being at a party somewhere and everybody's laughing about this story about a crazed woman who spilled soup in her lap and then talked about the way the logs were stacked up in the fireplace and then realize that it's ME that they are talking about. It's kinda like that dream where you out in public in your underwear. Only worse.

Because it really COULD happen . . .

Table For One

I made a pot roast today.

Wandering through the grocery store the other day, I gazed longingly at a lovely pot roast that was on sale. But I moved on regretfully, because everyone knows that you can’t make a pot roast for one person. Ridiculous. Absurd. It’s just not done.

And then I thought, why not? So what if I end up eating pot roast for a week! Heck, I could even throw the darn thing out after one meal if I wanted to, and it would still cost less than one dinner out at a restaurant.

So I bought a pot roast.

Of course going through the checkout stand I was guiltily convinced that everyone knew that I was a decadent single woman cooking a pot roast just for herself. So what do I do? I start EXPLAINING myself to the woman in line behind me! No – really! There I was babbling on about the cost effectiveness of a single person buying a pot roast, while this poor woman looked around frantically for some kind of Adult Day Care provider that surely must have lost track of me. Fortunately I was saved from myself by a checker who drug my cart over to a newly opened cash register. The other woman stayed where she was.

So this morning I was planning my day around my pot roast, when it suddenly dawned on me that not only could I cook a pot roast for myself, but I could cook it anytime I wanted too!

I could cook my pot roast at 6 in the morning and eat it for breakfast if that was what struck my fancy. I had no one that I needed to please but myself. What an entirely liberating idea.

So I popped my pot roast into the oven at 11:00 a.m. and have been nibbling at it all afternoon.

And you know what? That is the best damn pot roast I’ve eaten in a very long time.

A Small Step Forward

It always amazes me how quickly things can change in one short year.

Last year at this time, I was busily planning a New Year's feast for myself and my husband. Now this year, I am planning my divorce.

But while one relationship in my life is ending, if there has been an overall theme to this last year, it would be that of reconnection.

I attended my cousin's wedding in Oregon, and once again reaffirmed that no matter where we go, or how far we travel, Family is always just a step away, standing with open arms, acceptance and love.

My Mother and I spent a week together in Hawaii, strengthening a bond that only a mother and daughter coming together for the first time as women can truly appreciate.

Two old friends have reentered my life after a six year absence, proving that time and distance won't break the bonds of friendship.

My restless feet have taken me back to the city that I lived in twenty-four years ago, when I first moved to California. This seaside town promises to offer the peace and sense of community that has felt so lacking for me in recent years.

This last year has taken me places that I didn't plan. But as one friend likes to say - The best way to make God laugh is to tell him what YOUR plans for the future are!

So as this year begins to draw to a close, I'll take a deep breath, cross my fingers and step into 2007.

Who knows what this New Year will bring . . .

Reading The Signs

Starting over scary.

Each day I hesitantly walk out into this new life that I'm creating for myself, desperately afraid that I'm going to fail. That I won't be able to make it on my own. I don't even have a job yet, how am I going to support myself?

I try to take comfort in the small things, like meeting my new neighbors, taking walks along the shore, and exploring the local shops.

Today, during one of my quit-feeling-sorry-for-yourself-and-go-do-something days, I found the most wonderful shop. I'm not sure what the name of it is, so I'll just call it the Odds & Ends Emporium.

Inside this store is an unimagined treasure trove of stuff, all tossed together in some vague order, that must only make sense to the eccentric mind that created it. The first thing to greet my eyes as I walked into the store was a display of scarves with a sign that read "Scarves Mostly $2.29. Some not." For some reason this strikes me as terribly funny. It's a sign with an attitude! And it pretty much sets the tone for the whole store.

There are neon colored feather boa's (no - really) hanging from the ceiling next to assorted house plants. Candles mixed in with baskets and little plastic holders for Beanie Baby tags next to incense burners. I never knew that Beanie Baby tags needed plastic holders but at 29 cents I was tempted to buy one, even though I don't own any Beanie Babies!

Various hand written signs were hung from wires and tacked to shelves. One sign admonished customers with "Don't take these hats. Take the ones from the other shelf." Another sign preempted questions by stating, "NO! There Are NO MORE In Back". No more of what, I'm not sure.

An entire row was devoted to toys and party favors, the likes of which I haven't seen since I was a child. And have you tried to find a toy gun at Toy-R-Us these days? Not gonna happen. But they have them at the Odds & Ends Emporium. There were oddles of tiny plastic trickets tossed about in bins, and nearby hung another of the ubiquitous signs, this one saying "No Pinata Stuffing". Who would dare?

I'm sure that the pricing makes sense to someone but I was mystified. I found the cutest little oil burner for just $2.00, but a wonderfully tacky beaded curtain was priced at a whopping $60.00. Bamboo poles for $1.29 fought for attention with greeting cards for $8.00, and a fine layer of dust coated everything.

But my favorite part of the Odds & Ends Emporium was a sign that hung above the checkout stand that encouraged shoppers to place their chosen houseplants on the hooks overhead.

It read "You can do it. Just reach higher".